“How much can we control our own thoughts?”

I met with a friend the other day, who pulled out a book called “The Secret”. Which looked like a cross between a self-help book and the Da Vinci Code. I flipped through the book, eager to know what “the secret” is – more so that I could laugh at it, but even though I knew I was being hoodwinked by sensationalistic marketing, a small part of me yearned to know that there could be some secret that helps one gain a foothold in the slippery miasma of life.

So what is “The Secret”? It is basically that if you visualize something, it will come to you. The idea isn’t new to me, you or a salivating dog. That’s why I find the books marketing super-annoying. The publisher says, “Fragments of a Great Secret have been found in the oral traditions, in literature, in religions and philosophies throughout the centuries. For the first time, all the pieces of The Secret come together in an incredible revelation that will be life-transforming for all who experience it.”

I don’t think such an exaggeration has been perpetrated upon the American people since “The Bridges of Madison County” was called a novel.

The idea of “the power of positive thinking” versus negative thinking is something most people of above average intelligence have confronted.

As a performer, I know that if you think about being nervous, you’ll be nervous. So when you go on stage, you must concentrate on doing what you’ve rehearsed. If you keep you’re mind focused on the processes that you’ve put in place, you will hardly notice the audience. This is one clear example from my own life where positive visualization works.

But this book goes beyond the confines of reason. For example, on one of the pages I saw something that basically told you that if you are deeply in debt, forget about the debt and see yourself as well off. This sounds like the typical American’s approach to debt, so I think the book is preaching to the converted, but I don’t think it’s good advice!

Positive visualization definitely makes life more pleasant than walking through life considering all the bad things that might happen. Suppose if every morning when you walked out of the house, you opened the door slowly to make sure that there wasn’t someone crouching behind the door with a knife. Then walking with your umbrella on a sunny day, you constantly look around to make sure you are not being followed. Your day goes on in a constant series of paranoid safety-checks. Obviously, this approach to life is not advisable.

My girlfriend and I have been having problems because she’s constantly convinced that I’m cheating on her. Her overly careful behavior, such as going through my phone or constantly asking me where I’ve been in a suspicious manner brings the problem of negative-visualization all too close-to-home. I don’t understand why she can’t just assume I’m a good guy until proven otherwise.

Of course she’s in therapy and working on these issues, which raises a big question for me: “How much can we control our own thoughts?”

I know that when I have a screaming headache and I’m craving something to eat, it’s hard for me to say, “Just imagine yourself being satisfied.” Likewise, my girlfriend says to me, “You know, I want to trust you, it’s just an issue I have.” I try to be understanding and tell myself, she doesn’t have control over this particular thought pattern.

There are many problems that people face in life such as addiction that the ideas in books such as “The Secret” have trouble addressing. On the flip-side, maybe a compulsive gambler has a little too much of the “wishing thinking” problem. Professional equity traders often “blow up”, that is loose so much over a short period of time that they can no longer stay in the market. The reason why is that they start to lose and instead of cutting their losses, they try to make back their losses and plus some – by making bigger bets!!!

I was reading Steve Pavlina’s blog and he says, “Thoughts are like seeds. If you want different results in life, you have to figure out which thoughts are capable of growing those results and which aren’t.” This much I can agree with, but you are assuming that you have control over your thoughts! If you are lucky enough to have the intelligence and emotional stability to always make decisions based on reason rather than passion, then you probably have come to “the secret” on your own.

The problem is even smart people sometimes can’t control their own thought and desires. The first person who comes to mind is Woody Allen!

Also, I just saw the new Joan Didion play “A Year of Magical Thinking” in which she comes to realize that she can control very little in her life, despite believing otherwise for most of her life.

The good news is, even though you can’t control your thoughts all of the time, you can (again assuming you have the intelligence and emotional stability to do so) moderate your thoughts and talk to yourself.

For example, if your mind says, “I know my boyfriend is cheating on me with some cheat slut.” You can say back to your mind, “Well, I can’t actually know that, so thank you mind from bringing up this important risk-factor in my relationship, but I’m going to not dwell on this thought right now, because I’m at work trying to listen to my boss talk.”

If your mind says, “You’re a fat ugly loser and it’s amazing that you think anyone will ever love you”; just say to your mind, “Now that’s not nice. You will find the right person someday, and in the meantime, I’m going to lose 10 pounds and invest in some flattering clothing.”

The thought we have the most control over are the ones we probably don’t need to worry about in the first place. The thoughts we have the least control over are the ones that will actually be causing us problems. So you will probably have to wrestle with your mind for months or even years to change your thought patterns, but it can be done.

In other words, if my mind says, “I need a gallon if ice cream right now”, it’s not too hard for me to say know. But there are people out there who are compulsive overeaters who have trouble saying no to that very same thought.

Your most difficult issues are the ones that you will have to practice changing. In my own life, I often feel trapped by decisions I made earlier in life, such as getting myself into $90,000 of college debt, and then becoming a singing teacher! It’s hard for me sometimes to see possibilities of escaping my financial trap.

Since I’m a sneaky guy when it comes to dealing with my mind, I find ways to keep my emotions at bay. I like to think, I’ll either strike it rich somehow, in some business venture or I’ll die young and not have to pay it off. The most likely scenario, that I pay this debt at a rate of $600/month for thirty years is unthinkable. Please pray for me that I don’t have to do this.

But see even that worry I can out-think. Living in New York city, there is always a stinky homeless man masturbating on the train to make appreciate the comforts of my own existence.

I think I learned early on that it is nearly impossible for an average person to control their thoughts.

I grew up Mormon, and their is a pretty rigid ban on self-pleasuring oneself sexually. Every year, we would have go and meet with the bishop who would run down a print-out of questions of thinks we shouldn’t be doing. Unfortunately, the part about masturbating always seemed to come right before the part about lying. The bishop would ask, “Do you have a problem with masturbation.” And I would solemnly say, “no, sir, I have no problem with it.” Of course, then he would ask, “Do you ever lie”. And I would have to say “no” with a sinking feeling in my stomach knowing I was going to hell.

So I guess another problem I have with “The Secret” is that it smacks of Scientology-like pseudo-religion. It seems these days we have fewer people who actually go to church (or synagogue or mosque), and more people who “practice” yoga or read books such as the “The Power of Now” for spiritual meaning.

OK, so luck has it, the first twenty minutes of “The Secret” are up on YouTube. It’s hard to believe this is a self-help book purporting to be a “movie”. It really is as if someone decided to cross The Da Vinci Code with “Think and Grow Rich” by Napolean Hill.

In the first few minutes, a woman with an exotic sounding Australian accent talks about how she discovers a secret and traces it back through history. To throbbing movie-trailer drums one sees a man running down a hallway carrying a torch, then hiding a scroll as an army of a thousand gathers outside the city gates. Then a shot of the great pyramids at Gaza as the same man rips away a stone to reveal the perfect hiding spot for this scroll hiding “The Secret”.

Now we see that the scroll, covered in a gold canister is held in the hands of an ecclesiastic in red robes. The screen scrolls “The Secret was Coveted”.

Now we see a bunch of elitist businessmen, interspersed with a shot of a typewriter, “The Secret Must be Suppressed” the typewriter writes.”

Now the narrator says, “I couldn’t believe all the people who knew [the Secret], they were the greatest minds in history.” If it’s such a big secret, why do all the great minds in history know it?

Now she says, “All I wanted to do was share the secret with the world.” Now, I don’t know about you, but do you figure she wanted to make a few bucks in the process? Of course she doesn’t say that. She should have said, “All I wanted to do was share the secret with the world – and make a few bucks in the process.” But few are honest these days.

Now comes a “usual suspects” medley of sound-bites from your spiritual guides basically asking, “What do you want out of life? How big a house do you want?”

So now we’ve left the Hollywood intro and are into the meat of “The Secret”.

So now we learn what “The Secret” calls “The Law of Attraction”. That you attract “what’s in your mind.”

And I think this part is telling, “Why do you think 1% of the population earns 96% of the money that’s being earned – do you think that’s an accident”.

I don’t think that the problem is simply that 99% of the population doesn’t control it’s thoughts as well as the other 1%. Education, good parenting and being born into privilege probably help as much as “positive thinking.” Of course there are amazing people out there who rise from poverty to become extremely wealthy, but I think the secret can be misleading. It bothers me because it makes success seem simpler than it is. There are many positive thinking people who fail in business as well. Of course, they are probably happy enough on the way down and pick themselves up and start again. But that doesn’t mean that their attitude made them successful – only happier in their failures.

I would recommend you visualize positive outcomes to your goals, because I believe it is a way to feel happier rather than because it makes one more successful.

“You attract what you think about most.” This is a wonderful statement, although it is just not true! If I imagine world piece and an ends to the aids crisis, oh, and I spend a little time thinking about ending global warming – it’s just not gonna happen. Especially since it’s “the thing I think about most”. If I spent more time thinking about an ends to the aids crisis, I might actually keep global warming going by not thinking about it enough!

So platitudes sound lovely, but overly simplify life. Now there are a lot of truths one can glean from the idea that you “attract what you think about most.” For example, if I only think about dating strippers, I am more likely to date a stripper than say my dad, who never considers dating strippers and has been married for 40 years. For example, I would be more likely to frequent places where strippers congregate.

If you think positive thoughts about the people around you, they will sense your openness and friendliness. If you only think negative thoughts about people, you will repel them because they will sense the negativity about you.

I think this aspect of “The Secret” works better, because of the vibe you put out dependent on your thoughts. If you are happy, you are more likely to attract a happy person. If a happy person goes on a date with an unhappy person, their will be constant mismatching in their conversational styles.

“Isn’t it a beautiful day.”
“I dunno, it was a little to hot.”
“Well, it would be nice at the beach.”
“I don’t like getting sand between my toes. Besides they always play that Beach Boy shit – I hate that music.”
“Hey, wait, I love the beach boys.”

In Psychology they call it cognitive dissonance. Eventually the two will find people with whom they can agree.

OK, so I just watched the part about the negative-thinking gay man that changed his thoughts and everyone around him started treating him differently. This story totally melts my heart. I believe all of us could have perfect relationships and be totally happy if we could change our thoughts to think the absolutely best way in every situation. It would be especially effective if we could read each others minds. And I want X-Ray vision too, as long as I’m dreaming.

OK, so here’s another silly thing. According to “The Secret”, positive thoughts are hundreds of times more powerful than negative thoughts, so it’s OK to slip up sometimes.
Of course what’s to distinguish a powerful positive thought verses an impotent negative thought. For example, if I’m feeling a powerful attraction to gambling and drinking, is that still an impotent negative thought? It sounds to me like a powerful thought that might be willed into being.

If the book is going to argue that you must focus on the positive. It shouldn’t say that negative thoughts aren’t powerful. I can understand if you are saying that an occasional slip-up into negative thinking won’t hurt you if it’s a relapse from an overwhelming period of positive thinking. But negative thinking can be just as powerful as positive thinking.

But the effects of one’s thoughts every day can’t effect everything around you. At one point in “The Secret” one of the speakers hints that even a car accident can be the result of the way you think – the laws of attraction. I suppose anecdotally you could say that someone who is very angry might cause an accident. But what if you are having a terrible day and you need to drive? Should you avoid cars because you are very angry with your boss?

Of course this argument sounds silly, because you’re thinking, “I’m not stupid, I can judge when my thoughts are out of control and when I’m in control.” Just the same as you believe you can judge when you’re fit to drive or not.

I suppose the problem is that sometimes we have thought patterns that we don’t realize are limiting. Of course then the problem is that we don’t need a movie like “The Secret” we need an outside coach or therapist to tell us where our thinking is being a problem.

I agree with Joan Didion that there are many things in life that we can’t control. So the best we can do is try to control as much of our thoughts and actions as possible. And if you sense you are not able to control yourself, get outside help.

Exercise while you surf the net!

So I’m wondering how much exercise is too much exercise. For whatever reason, I’ve gotten motivated to loose a lot of weight. I think I’ve noticed my girlfriend starting to look chunky, so it scared the shit out of me. I don’t want us to be those fat people riding around on scooters at Walt Disney World.

I’m 5 foot 9 inches tall and I weight 225 pounds. According to the Weight Watchers website, that puts me at about 75 pounds overweight. That’s scary. I’ve always considered myself a “husky fellow” – not 75 pounds overweight. So I’ve decided to do something about it. I’m always brainstorming new ideas, so my current crazy one is that I bought a stairmaster and fixed it up so that I have a little table on top where I can put my keyboard and mouse, and I can surf the net or blog while I’m exercising. In fact, I’m riding the thing right now as I write this.

I started getting very motivated about a week ago, and I’ve been riding the damned thing for about two hours a day at a low intensity level. So far I feel a little thinner although I haven’t weighed myself.

The question I’m wondering is when I’m going to burn out. I’ve heard it said that too much exercise can lead to injury or burnout. So I’m interested to see how long I can go on this kick.

One of the risks of overtraining is a loss in muscle mass because one the muscle naturally deteriorates a little every time you exercise and if you don’t give it adequate time to recuperate there is a risk of injury.

So I guess I’ll gauge how my muscles are feeling. So far I’m totally gung-ho about my diet.

I figure if I burn 15 calories a minute for two hours a night, that’s 1800 calories a day!

Not to mention the fact that my heart rate will be up throughout the day, and it takes energy for my body to repair itself. I think mild exercise like this will beat the hell out of dieting. I can’t stand eating bland, flavorless foods!

So, 1800 calories X 30 days is 54,000 calories.

Since there are supposed to be 3500 calories in a pound of fat, that would be the equivalent of 15 pounds.

As soon as I see this number, I’m a little depressed. I bet I can stay motivated for 30 days, but to loose 75 pounds, I would have to do this exercise program for five months!

I suppose I could add calorie restriction into the mix, but I’m not ready to do that yet. I think it’s unhealthy physically and psychologically to deprive oneself. I think the real key is to have a Stairmaster in front of the computer like this and exercise at a moderate level for several hours a day.